TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally outside of position. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Sure, sure, let us have A further spot wherever American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the Trump Tower Damascus tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have turn-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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